Not Today

Filmmaker's note

“Not Today” draws on my experience growing up as a gay kid on the outskirts of male friend groups, longing for companionship but never feeling like I could be one of the guys. Eventually, I realized the barriers that made connecting with certain men difficult weren’t just affecting me but their relationships with each other.

It’s from this outsider perspective that I direct a compassionate gaze onto the complex emotions many heteronormative men experience but do not articulate. Instead of action plots or romance pursuits, feelings take center stage in my work as the characters enter territory we’re not used to seeing them travel; an otherwise seemingly jovial young man who’s secretly self-harming challenges our expectations of how masculinity presents itself.

My goal is to portray the difficulty in verbalizing fears, needs, desires, and shame for someone embedded in a group dynamic that discourages sincerity. These are vulnerable beings conditioned to deflect what they’d rather not feel and talk around what they’re trying to say. However, their actions also reflect concerns that could hinder anyone in this situation: they don’t want to cross a line, embarrass themselves, burden one another with their problems, or upset the foundations that created their bond.

As Eric navigates witnessing behavior he wasn’t supposed to see and doesn’t understand, the audience is placed in Eric’s position with no easy answers that direct to a clear solution or explanation of Jaime’s behavior, only suggestions that lead to several interpretations. The only thing certain is an underlying desire from all parties; a longing for togetherness, for everything to be okay.

Christian Meola
Writer, Director